dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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