Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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