Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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