I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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