sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You are the jesus of drinking
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
