Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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