meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
