after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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