Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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