genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
