The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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