so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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