just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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