I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
