Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This house was built for laser tag.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
