I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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