my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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