I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
