I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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