some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
