Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
