I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My life is pants optional.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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