thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
