Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
