Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
