Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
