WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
