I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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