I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
