Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
