Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
