I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
