So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
