i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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