I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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