If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He felt like a one man threesome
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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