note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
