He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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