I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
