I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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