if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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