You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
