i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
