You smell like stripper and shame
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
