he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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