FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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