Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
