Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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