Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
