i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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