my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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