I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Are we still banned from the library?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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