I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
