Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
